The simplest of tasks become complicated challenges.
A gift from a friend turns into a blanket of guilt.
A perfectly normal phone call is followed by an hour of exploring any possible regrets.
I feel like I’m undeserving of friendship and I fear they’ll all leave me. They’ll leave me alone because of something I said so I retrace my words endlessly. What did I say? Could it be interpreted as offensive? Will they hold it against me? Will they judge me and then never speak to me again?
Why have some friends become distant? I’ll assume I’m to blame. I caused the pain that made this world change. A sharp pain stabs my pack as anxiety wraps around me.
So I apologize. And I apologize again. I really want them to know how sorry I am. Because now anxiety has taken control and he wants you to feel remorseful for things you never did. You’re apologizing for scenarios you’ve invented.
You won’t always notice me struggling with these dilemmas. My mind’s racing with worry but you’ll think I’m just lost in my head. Or you may assume I’m not paying attention to you. I’ll miss part of what you’re saying and you’ll grow frustrated with me. I’ll beg you to repeat it as anxiety reminds me I’ve just lost another friend. Hives will grow and a sharp burning heat travels up my back. I’ve done it again.
I started working on Float so I can better explain to loved ones what I go through.
Everyone has had their own experiences with anxiety. Before a test, your nerves may act up. If you stayed out too late hanging out with friends in school, you worried about what your parents would say. You may have a co-worker that knows the right buttons to push to upset you. You know that fear. We’ve all dealt with it before. Now imagine if that fear was constant and erratic. Imagine if that fear sometimes had no truth to it.
What if that fear made you imagine the deaths of your loved ones even though there was no logical reason to worry about it? Instead of being nervous over a test scheduled for tomorrow, you’re worried about a test that will never happen. Anxiety has caused me to play out painful situations in my head that never materialized.
It’s the manifestation of fear. It can cause physical pain and make you sick. It is real and if you experience it, please know that you’re not alone. I go through it too.